New on DVD: The Bounty Hunter

Relationships don't always read like Valentine's Day candy. Young lovers who once exchanged chalky hearts bearing the words "you're sweet" and "be mine" sometimes wind up rooting around for pieces that read "you jerk" or "get lost."

Exes Nicole and Milo would, frankly, love to communicate through candy (their favorites would say "see my attorney" and "die, scum, die") and they'd like it all the more if they could hurl it at each other like sugary ninja stars. Married for only nine months, they were once madly in love. Now they're just plain mad. They go together like ice cream and pickles, like TVs and bathtubs, like Kim Jong Il and representative democracy.

So when Milo, the film's titular bounty hunter, learns that Nicole (Nic, for short) has a warrant out for her arrest, he nearly comes unglued with glee. A chance to cart his ex-wife off to jail? What could be better?

Nic, incidentally, isn't exactly a hardened criminal. She's a New York City reporter who made an (almost) innocent mistake,

and then made another one when she skipped out on a court date to chase down a story lead. But a warrant is a warrant, so Milo tracks her down and begins escorting her to the slammer--surely longing to give her candy engraved with "ha-ha" as a cell-warming gift. 

But their path to said cell isn't a straight one. It seems that Nic's snooping has aroused the interest of a very bad man who lobs lead at his enemies, not derogatory hearts. And then there's Milo's bookie, who decides that right about now would be a good time to collect on his ever-growing pile of debt. Even Stewart manages to get in Milo's way. Who's Stewart? Stewart's a lovelorn reporter who hopes to get close to Nic by working with her on the story.

All these ardent pursuers would be enough to ruin anyone's day--particularly those forced to sit and watch all this. Where's the candy heart that says "the end"?

"Life is about making mistakes," Nic tells Milo during a romantic dinner.

"Death," Milo adds, "is about wishing you'd made a whole lot more."

By that reckoning, Milo will surely die a happy man. If the rest of his life is anything like the snippet we see in The Bounty Hunter, it's hard to believe he could conceivably stuff more mistakes into only one life. He is--and let's be nice about it--a jerk. It's never a good sign when you find yourself wanting a film's hero to go to prison--perhaps in North Korea.

Granted, Milo's supposed to be a little unhinged by love gone wrong. But the spiteful character we first meet--who is meant to contrast and accentuate Milo's eventual redemption--crosses the line from being merely a wacky, love-hurt ninny into someone who seems borderline psychopathic and even abusive. If I saw a man pick up a struggling girl and throw her into his car trunk, as Milo does with Nic, I'd hope I'd be dialing 911, not laughing and nudging my neighbor.

And I didn't laugh. Or nudge. Not once during the whole, 128-minute movie. Not a "this film is a teensy bit funny in places" laugh, not even an "I feel guilty for laughing at this" laugh. There are a lot of unfunny comedies out there these days. But this one just about tops the heap. The Hurt Locker had more humor. 

So if life truly is about making mistakes, then by all means go see The Bounty Hunter. Because all the way through you'll be saying to yourself, "Well, this was a mistake!"