Marriage Without Myths: A Look at True Biblical Submission

"I took a long time to realize I'd developed some distorted perceptions about biblical submission," admits Brenda Waggoner, author of The Myth of the Submissive Christian Woman (Tyndale). Because the issue of submission is so emotionally charged and hotly debated, I interviewed Brenda, a licensed Christian counselor and prolific author, to address what the Bible says about submission in marriage. Brenda shares not only her personal experiences but also her hard-won insights.

Many cringe when they hear it. Submission triggers negative thoughts--abuse, subservient treatment, or an overemphasis on the wife's duty to submit that downplays the husband's duty to love.

I'm referring to distorted perceptions prevalent in the evangelical subculture, such as: I must always put others first, even if doing so means compromising myself and my needs, or I must follow precise role descriptions for relationships, even if doing so means ignoring my instincts about safety and emotional well-being.

They contain elements of truth, but take Bible verses out of context or use them as stand-alone proofs, which ignore the whole of Scripture. The Bible's teaching on submission doesn't change--but a woman's perception of that teaching can become distorted.

Your experiences, role models, pastor and other authority figures, and emotional makeup can color your perception of submission. So prayerfully inquire about what's going on in your heart, since this is God's primary concern. Is self-condemnation, self-rejection, self-destructive thinking or behavior present? God disciplines his children, but he doesn't devalue or demean us.

I became a Christian five years into my first marriage. As I studied the Bible and listened to sermons--especially passages about husband/wife relationships--I drastically changed my behavior. Previously, when my husband and I disagreed, we'd raise our voices; now I tried turning away my husband's wrath with a gentle answer. I defined submission as doing what my husband said. I thought by pleasing him, I was pleasing God.

I didn't want to admit I was angry with my husband, so I pushed my feelings down and became depressed. Then, my husband became verbally and emotionally abusive. Finally, he left home and filed for divorce. I felt isolated from God; I couldn't understand how I'd failed so miserably as a wife and a Christian, when I'd tried so hard to obey the Bible.

The guidelines in Ephesians 5:22-24 shouldn't be taught to the exclusion of many other examples throughout the Bible. Biblical submission is a state of heart yielded to God; it's a decision to honor God above all else. Christ is the perfect example of biblical submission; he always put his Father's will first. Jesus never insisted on dominance or control, although, if anyone had that right, he did. Christian women should strive to be like Christ, submitting to God first and then to their husband, putting neither people nor idols before God.