A 25-Year-Old Christian Virgin Confesses It's Hard Being One of the Few Not 'Doing It'

When I was in eighth grade, "girl talk" meant blushing cheeks and coy smiles over the latest crush. We passed heart-filled notes marked in glittery pens, agonized over whether the boy returned our affections, and strategized plans to sit next to him. "Being in a relationship" meant linking hands whenever the couple thought nobody was watching.

I'm now a senior at a secular university in Los Angeles, and "girl talk" has grown up. We've traded giggles for X-rated foreign words about bedroom activities that leave me feeling like a naïve schoolgirl gawking among adults.

I'm a 25-year-old Christian virgin squirming in a secular world where sex is both ordinary and essential. Even though asking about virginity is considered intrusive, the unspoken understanding is that everybody has already "done it." Even Christians.

I recently sipped a mint julep at a new bar in Hollywood, during a meet-up with close girlfriends. One of them brought her new boyfriend along. They'd been "dating" unofficially for a couple of months. She huddled us together and declared, "Oh my God, gals, I lost my virginity!"

Cue giddy screams and squeals of excitement, squeezed hands of congratulations, and tight hugs of celebration. At 23, she was the last one in our group to lose it--besides me, of course.

Meanwhile, I had to turn away to shield my expression of worry and disappointment--worry for my friend who used to talk about the virtue of chastity. And disappointment, colored with just a tinge of loneliness, that I was now the oldest virgin in the gang.

At that moment, I realized with shame that the culture I so self-righteously tried to buffer had already infiltrated my heart--today's accepted "hookup culture," which trivializes sex and dating.

I'm not the only Christian young woman living in a hypersexualized culture. And it's not just non-Christians who "hook up" regularly. It's the Christians too--even those we would deem "strong believers."

According to a December 2009 study conducted by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 80 percent of unmarried evangelical young adults between ages 18 and 29 admitted to having had sex. Compare that to 88 percent of all unmarried young adults who said they have had sex, and consider this dismal question: What's the difference between Christians and non-Christians?

Well, for one, Christians typically have to deal with the aftermath of guilt and shame.

One of my friends, Christine, revealed to me recently that she lost her virginity to her college sweetheart--a student fellowship leader with whom she served in ministry. They broke up countless times, but always ended back together, in part because she couldn't let him go after giving him something so precious.

"Sleeping with someone leaves an emotional scar and attachment in you," she said, adding seriously, "Don't ever do it before marriage, Sophia."

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Sophia Lee
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